1000 Words
by G. G. Fernandez
Summary: It was the one photograph she never talked about. He didn't ask. The first time he'd seen it had been about a week after they'd returned from New Earth. The second time he saw it was the day he moved the last of his things into Kathryn's quarters, the day her quarters officially became theirs. It was the third time he encountered it that everything changed.


It was the one photograph she never talked about. He didn't ask.

The first time he'd seen it had been about a week after they'd returned from New Earth. After three months of seeing each other every day, adjusting to life back on Voyager had been hard. They'd both found it difficult not sharing breakfast together or not being able to talk over dinner. After a full week, neither could take it any longer, so when Chakotay suggested dinner, she'd jumped at the chance. It had pleasantly surprised him.

He arrived at her quarters at 1900 hours, nothing more than a bottle of champagne under his arm – her favourite. He'd already taken the liberty of sending the meal specifications to her replicator. They may have been dining in her quarters but he didn't expect her to prepare it. He knew how much she hated battling her replicator. He'd been glad that the one on New Earth hadn't had the same temperament as the one in her quarters.

Chakotay was surprised to see her quarters so messy; they were usually immaculate. Her desk was covered with an array of PADDs, the once neat pile having collapsed long ago. The floor was cluttered too, the PADDs and replicator's components scattered around. It made him sigh with a half-smile. Clearly, he was going to have to rethink dinner.

Kathryn lifted her head and shot an apologetic smile. "Pardon the mess." she used the hypospanner to gesture across the floor, "I had hoped I'd be done by now."

Chakotay smirked. "It's not too bad. I don't think you could ever see the floor of my old Academy dorm." he watched as she laughed, "This is nothing."

With the bottle still under his arm, he walked over to her. Although he knew what she was doing, he couldn't resist having a closer look. Why she just didn't request a new replicator from B'Elanna, he didn't know. It would have prevented all the hours she'd put in trying to repair the damn thing. It wasn't worth it.

"How's it going?"

Her eyes rolled as she returned to trying to realign the component in her hand.

"It's about one more malfunction away from being thrown out the nearest airlock."

He chuckled before heading over to her desk. For now, he'd leave her to it.

Chakotay placed the bottle down with the intention of then going to find some glasses. He just hadn't expected to knock the last few unsteady PADDs off her desk. It made him cringe but luckily, Kathryn was too busy to notice.

With a soft grunt, the Commander crouched down to pick them up. It was then he saw it.

All in all, four PADDs had fallen. Two of them were work based, one containing calculations he had no interest in and the other being an Engineering report. He recognised it immediately as one he had read earlier and sent to her for final approval.

The other two PADDs were images. The first was of Molly, Kathryn's Irish Setter, carrying a red ball in her mouth. While it made him smile, it was the other image which intrigued him most, the image of a young child. A little boy.

Chakotay frowned as he picked it up, his head tilting. He had absolutely no idea who the blonde-haired child was. All he knew was that he looked young, no more than two or three, and vaguely like Kathryn.

He sighed to himself. He quietly assumed the child was a family member and left it at that. With the mood Kathryn was in, he definitely wasn't going to ask.

After putting it back on the desk, he near enough forgot about it. In fact, by the end of the night, it was the last thing on his mind. There had been far more important memories made that night. It was the first night of what would eventually become their forever.

The second time he saw the photograph was the day he moved the last of his things into Kathryn's quarters, the day her quarters officially became theirs. After being together for almost a year, they'd grown tired of having to spend some nights in her bed and some nights in his. They simply needed one which could become theirs.

Kathryn was in the living area sorting through the last of his containers while he was unpacking some of his things into the top draw of the bedroom dresser. Since she had made space for him, he hadn't expected to find the three PADDs tucked away the back. Without thinking, he pulled them out and automatically smiled when he saw what they were – photos.

With the pile in his hand, Chakotay fell down against the bed. The first was of two young women, both dark redheads, sitting on blanket in the middle of a grassy field. He recognised the one on the left to be Kathryn and he assumed the other to be her sister. It made him smile to see how happy she had been back then. The next was of Kathryn again, this time in uniform alongside Mark and Molly. He'd seen that one before – it had been the photograph she once had had on display in her ready room. The final one was the photograph he'd seen before, the little boy with blonde hair. Seeing him again made him wonder exactly who the child was to her. He was clearly someone significant.

"Chakotay! What the hell is this?!"

He automatically looked towards the door when she called, his wonder being replaced with amusement. He could almost picture the look on her face, her deep frown mixed with a puzzled expression. He owned a lot of things she likely had never encountered before. It came with her being a child of the 24th Century and he being a child of a tribe stuck in the 22nd Century.

When he stood, he slotted the PADDs back into the draw and went to her aid. It was all it took to ensure the image was forgotten again.

However, the day he encountered the photograph for the third time, it was the day it changed. It was the day he found out exactly who that little boy was.

The day started off like any other normal in the Delta Quadrant. He awoke at 0600 and clambered out of an empty bed. It wasn't unusual. Kathryn typically was up by the time the computer woke him in the mornings. However, what was unusual was when he walked into the living area and found Kathryn fast asleep on the sofa.

Chakotay felt his brow drop. Given that she was in uniform, it was clear she'd actually gotten up before falling asleep again. Strange.

He sighed to himself. Something hadn't been right the previous evening either – she'd been noticeably quiet. She'd barely spoken more than ten words during dinner and he couldn't recall her smiling at all. He'd attributed it to tiredness, especially when she'd taken herself off to bed early, but now he wasn't so sure.

"Computer, raise lights to 40% intensity."

His whispered command allowed a dim light to illuminate the room. While he didn't want to disturb her, he needed to eat before his duty shift started.

As his oatmeal materialised, Chakotay glanced toward her over his shoulder. She was showing no signs of waking which was concerning. This wasn't like her.

He shuffled uneasily. She'd had her annual physical the day before. Was something wrong? Had she found out something which had resulted in her being so quiet ever since?

The Bridge was relatively normal for the first half of his duty shift, all minus the presence of the Captain. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, in fact, the only point of interest happened to be Lt. Paris being threatened with a thorough cleaning of the warp plasma manifold after almost three hours of moaning. The younger man had been lucky he hadn't made it an order.

An alert from the central panel between his and the Captain's chair informed him of incoming reports from two departments. It wasn't hard for him to decide to do them. Not only would it alleviate his growing boredom, it would also mean they'd be less work for Kathryn to do when she returned to duty.

He stood. "Tuvok, you have the Bridge. I'll be in the Ready Room."

The Vulcan nodded his acknowledgement as the Commander headed off the Bridge.

He reached the Ready Room and the doors opened swiftly, the metal archway revealing his wife sat at her desk. Her posture was less than brilliant and her forehead was resting heavily against her hand, her eyes drearily roamed over the data on her console. It made his eyebrows shoot up. He hadn't expected to see her there.

He stepped inside. "Kathryn?"

Her eyes glanced towards him, the brief movement highlighting her pale, tense features. He didn't like it.

"What are you doing here?"

Her brow dropped. "I'm on duty…"

He nodded as he approached. "You don't look well." he felt the need to point out.

Her eyes returned to the report displayed. "I'm fine."

"Kathryn–"

"I said I'm fine!" she cut him off, their eyes meeting, "Is that all, Commander?"

He shook his head. This was far from the Kathryn Janeway he knew. Something certainly wasn't right.

"What's going on with you?" his voice was strained but calm, "Why aren't you talking to me?"

"Nothing is _going on_ with me."

The Captain's teeth were gritted, a clear indication she didn't mean a word of what she said.

"Something clearly is…"

"Damn it, Chakotay! I'm fine!"

She stood harshly, her eyes wild. It was all he needed to see.

He just simply nodded to himself. "Now I know there is."

He didn't bother to stay any longer. If there was on thing he'd learnt, it was not to get involved in any kind of argument with her. When in a bad mood, it was what she wanted. Although hard, the most effective thing to do – leave her alone until she calmed down.

The rest of the shift, he didn't see her once. Nobody did. In fact, he was sure nobody knew she was even in her Ready Room.

Chakotay left the Bridge after handing over command, hoping Kathryn had had enough time to herself that afternoon. Her behaviour was bothering him enormously. He was her husband. Why was she keeping something from him?

The corridors were relatively quiet as he made his way back to his quarters, he only passed a handful of crew members, if that. It was when he reached the turbolift that he eventually encountered someone else, the Doctor.

"Evening, Commander." the EMH smiled broadly, "How are you this fine evening?"

If the Commander was surprised at the Doctor's positivity, he didn't show it.

"Very well, Doctor." he smiled softly.

The EMH nodded, clearly not to interested. "And how's the Captain been today?"

The Commander's head dropped, effortlessly masking his face for a moment. It was obvious by the Doctor's tone that there was reasoning behind his question.

"I know she's found the last couple of weeks a little difficult but as I told her yesterday, now she's having the antenatal supplements," the EMH rambled, not looking directly towards the Commander, "she'll be feeling more like herself in no time."

Before the Commander had a chance to say anything, the turbolift came to a halt and opened up. They'd obviously reached the Doctor's stop given that the EMH then turned to meet the Commander's eye.

"And I know you and the Captain will be keeping this quiet for now," he grasped the Commander's hand warmly, "but please. Allow me to pass on my deepest congratulations, Commander."

The Commander stood still, his expression unchanged. Part of him didn't really want to know anymore but it was too late really. He wasn't a stupid man, he knew what the Doctor was implying.

Chakotay briefly glanced down at the Doctor's hand before meeting his eye again.

"What… for?" he drew out, his voice unbelievably stable. He'd actually surprised himself.

The Doctor's expression changed immediately, his smile dropping and eyes widening as his frown took over.

"Oh, my…"

The Doctor immediately realised Chakotay's hand. It only made the forming knot in the Commander's stomach tighten.

"I am so sorry, Commander." he had to look away, "I shouldn't have said anything."

The evident disbelief on the hologram's face made the Chakotay's breath hitch. Kathryn hadn't said anything… Why?

The Doctor wasn't quite sure what to do. For a long time, he'd always struggled with human sayings or expressions. They were something he hadn't been programmed to understand. However, he was now sure he had a better understanding of what it felt like when a person wanted some random space anomaly to come along and swallow them up. He'd have given anything to simply disappear out of the Commander's sight and pretend the last 60 seconds hadn't happened.

"Goodnight, Commander."

The Doctor exited the turbolift swiftly. It didn't even bother him that he wasn't on the deck he had wanted, he'd just needed to get out of there.

The turbolift doors shut the Commander inside as it again began to move. However, it didn't really register. His mind was in turmoil, so many thought and feelings suffocating him.

 _Why hadn't she told him?_

He was aware that he was shaking by the time he got back to his quarters. The room itself was relatively dim, the only source of light coming from the replicator panel and the stars beyond the viewport. However, Kathryn's silhouette could be seen clearly. She was sat on the sofa, her hand bracing against her forehead as she gazed lazily into space.

Chakotay didn't speak, he simply used the panel on the countertop to activate the lights. It was enough to make her look around. However, she didn't speak. She simply looked towards him briefly and then back out of the viewport. Clearly, she still wasn't in the best of moods but unfortunately, neither was he any more.

"Kathryn."

Her head turned at the sound of his voice but she didn't meet his eye.

"What do you want, Chakotay?"

It was laughable really. She must have known.

"I want you talk to me." he answered, his voice deep and sharp, "Now."

She shook her head slightly. "Chakotay, I'm not in the mood…"

He scoffed. "Not in the mood?" he stepped forward, "Not in the mood?!"

The sudden rise in volume made Kathryn's shoulders tense as she finally met his eye.

"Well, I wasn't _in the mood_ to bump into the Doctor on the way back from the Bridge who just so happened to mention how you should be feeling better now thanks to the prenatal supplements he's given you!" he cried, "Nor did I expect to be _congratulated_ about anything given that to my knowledge, there's nothing to be congratulated about!"

Her forehead wrinkled as he ranted. He was angry, angrier than she'd seen him for a long time. It made her gulp. It wasn't quite how she'd hoped to bring up this conversation.

"Chakotay…"

"Why wouldn't you tell about this, Kathryn?" his face looked pained, "I'm your husband! You're supposed to trust me!"

"I do trust you." she assured him, her voice soft.

He laughed painfully, his head dropping for a moment. "Really?! Because most wives tell their husband's when they're pregnant, not allow them to find out through off-hand remarks from their doctors!"

She released a shaky breath, her head dropping as she rubbed her forehead. She knew she'd messed up.

"I'm sorry."

Her sob cut through to his chest, immediately making him drop his shoulders. No matter how angry or confused or upset he was, nothing hurt him more than seeing Kathryn upset.

"Kathryn." he sighed, moving to take a seat next to her, "I'm sorry too."

He wrapped his arm around her and let her fall into his chest, his lips falling to her hair. It was clear there was something more going on. Kathryn Janeway was a strong woman, she didn't get this upset unless there was a reason.

"I just, I don't understand why you wouldn't tell me…" he confessed.

She sighed, allowing the silence to fall over them while the sting at the back of her throat slowly faded.

"Because… I'm scared, Chakotay." her body shook enough for him to feel as she spoke, "I'm really scared."

"Oh, Kathryn." he squeezed her shoulder gently, "That's understandable. I'm sure everyone is a little nervous when they find out they're having a baby."

She shook her head. "No, you don't understand." she pushed herself up, "I'm not scared of being pregnant or going into labour or giving birth. None of that bothers me." she sighed, "I've done it before."

Kathryn turned away from him, missing the widening of his eyes as she did so.

"What…?"

She rubbed her hand roughly across her forehead. "I've been a mother before, Chakotay." she managed to meet his eye again, "And that's what I'm scared of… I'm scared of losing that again."

Chakotay felt his heart begin to break a little when he saw the first tear fall. Despite everything he'd found out so far that day, he had never expected to hear that. _She'd been a mother._

"Kathryn, I–"

She stood up swiftly and tugged at her sleeves as she let out a large sigh. It a took a moment of nothing between either of them before she rubbed at her face and then headed into the bedroom.

Chakotay wasn't quite sure what to do. He wasn't sure whether she'd left just for a moment or if she'd just needed to get away. However, he didn't have long to consider his options before she appeared in the doorframe, her one hand tightly grasping a PADD while the other fiddled nervously with her fingertips.

She sighed deeply as she approached, taking a seat close enough to him but still with a little distance. He'd honestly never seen her so nervous before.

When she handed him the PADD, Chakotay came into contact with the image again, the one he'd encountered before – the little boy with blonde hair.

"That was my little boy."

She barely spoke more than a whisper but her words had never been so loud. He was her son. The child in the photo was her son.

Chakotay nodded slowly, briefly looking at the photograph. He wasn't quite sure whether he wanted to know, after all, it was her son, her memories. There was nothing obligating her to tell him.

Kathryn glanced down at her hands in her lap. It had been a long time since she had talked about him. While a day hadn't gone by where she hadn't thought about him, it had been a lifetime since anything about him had left her lips. She wasn't quite sure where to begin.

"I… I met Jack when I was at the Academy, I was in the second year and he was the year above." she began to explain, "My roommate introduced us and within no time, we were inseparable."

A bittersweet smile graced her lips. "We married the summer before my final year and a week before my final exam, I found out I was pregnant." she sighed, lifting her head and meeting his eye, "And it didn't bother me."

She actually laughed slightly. "It should have, really. I was close to graduating and getting my first commission, a baby wouldn't fit in with all of that, but I didn't care. I was happy, Chakotay. So happy."

He nodded softly. Her voice echoed the sentiments perfectly.

"I didn't tell anyone other than Jack until after I was assigned to the Al-Batani, not even my mother," her head dropped again, "But Captain Paris was amazing. Both Jack and I served on-board, Jack was one of his Helm Officers, and he allowed us to stay, even with the little one. Some Captains won't allow it, not if their ship doesn't have the facilities, but he did."

Chakotay nodded again, his hand delicately finding hers and grasping it lightly. He could tell by the way her voice was weakening that the more difficult elements of the story were approaching.

"What happened to him, Kathryn?"

She sighed brokenly. "It-It was Jack's birthday, and he'd… he'd requested the use of a shuttlecraft. He was good friends with the Captain, and he was a good pilot so the request was accepted almost instantly." she explained a little hurriedly, "The ship was orbiting Ktaris, it was a three-day shore leave while the Captain was meeting with the Ktarian government. Jack took us out in the shuttle. We flew across the equator and went for picnic of all things in the Grange Meadows of the Southern Hemisphere." she met his eye, "You ever been there, Chakotay?"

He shook his head. "No."

She nodded. "It's lovely place, and it was great day." she continued, "But then we had to leave, and as we began to fly back, we encountered some turbulent weather patterns. Jack was brilliant navigating through it all but stormfront moved quicker than the shuttle could fly… we got caught in the lightening."

Her eyes welded shut. It had been a long time since she'd had to really remember the event which had haunted her nightmares for so many years.

"I managed to send out a mayday as the shuttle fell into a free fall. Jack did his best. He fought with that shuttle, he fought to stabilise it, but it was useless." she confessed, her voice beginning to break "I just remember my little boy screaming, and I tried, I tried to get to him."

It was still painful to talk about. She doubted there would ever be a day where it wasn't.

"I don't remember actually crashing, I think I did black out for a moment, but I do I remember the silence afterward. It was unbearable." her hand ran through her hair as a few more tears fell, "Jack was killed on impact, and little boy was unconscious. There was nothing I could do for him. The Al-Batani located us and beamed us back, and I remember the doctor operating on him for hours and hours but it didn't help. He told me after seven hours what I knew after seven seconds – there was nothing they could do for him."

Chakotay sighed as his forehead creased. He wasn't quite sure what to say.

"I stayed with him all night, talking, singing, holding him. He woke up at one point. He was confused because he couldn't see." she muffled a sob, "He was too young to understand… his optic nerve was severely damaged, bleeding on his brain. He passed away in my arms… he was two."

Chakotay felt the back of his throat burn. "Kathryn, I… I am so sorry."

She nodded slowly, her sob taking over and he immediately allowed her to fall into his chest. What else could he do but hold her?

"I-I can't go through it again." she confessed brokenly, "I can't…"

"Kathryn." he kissed her forehead soothingly, "I know it must be horrendous to lose a child, I can't ever pretend I even remotely understand that kind of pain, but this baby… this isn't your son. It's not him. This baby is ours, and our baby is going to be absolutely fine."

She shook her head rapidly. "You don't know that, Chakotay."

"Neither do you." he pointed out, "Neither of us know what's going to happen tomorrow, nobody does, so there's no point living based on something that might or might not happen."

She sighed softly. He was right, she knew that.

"I know it can't be easy, living without him." Chakotay continued, "But I promise you, this baby isn't going to replace him, and you won't be dishonouring him or his memory by having another baby."

Kathryn nodded. "I won't forget him."

Chakotay shook his head. "No, of course you won't." he smiled gently, "If he's anything like his mother, he wouldn't allow you too."

Both of them glanced down to the photograph. A brief silence fell as Chakotay handed it back to his wife.

"What's his name?"

She gripped the PADD tightly, her knuckle turning white as she sighed.

"Eddy." She'd named him after her father.

Chakotay smiled softly as her thumb ran across the image of his face.

"Tell me about him."

Her smile grew. She wasn't quite sure where to begin.

"Oh, he was amazing. He was clever, funny, ever so polite…" she licked over her drying lip, the sting in her throat returning once again, "I wish you could have known him, Chakotay."

Chakotay sighed as she began to the tell the stories of little Eddy McMullen, the little boy with blonde hair. Suddenly, the stranger in the photograph he'd encountered three times had a name, a life, a story. He was no longer a forgotten mystery, he was real, and Chakotay knew that without a doubt, he would never, ever be forgotten.


End file.
